Hi, Ben. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
Sure. Anything I can do to make you a star.
You’re in 6th grade now. How is Middle School going?
Well, let’s just say that there’s an awful lot of monkey business and shenanigans. It’s kind of hard to take. Sometimes you just wish that you could lock yourself in your locker to get away for a little bit. Or suffocate. Oh and my friends are always talking about what they watch on YouTube. That’s about it.
Tell me about the cafeteria.
It’s a quaint room where everyone stuffs their faces.
What about your table? What’s that like?
My table is right next to the trash can, but don’t judge me. I sit with a bunch of people who like to tell stories about how their cats poop on their beds.
That happens to more than one of your friends?
What’s your earliest childhood memory?
When I was a wee lad in Kindergarten, I found out that my brothers—who would torment me for years to come—were being born.
What irritates you the most?
All three of my little siblings. That includes my two human brothers as well as my canine sister, Lovey. Especially when she steals my gloves when it’s twenty degrees outside.
What makes you the happiest?
When I go to church and everyone asks me questions about the Bible and they’re impressed that I know so much and I finally get the respect that I deserve.
What do you think about sleepovers?
Whose your favorite superhero?
Because he can shoot webs from his fingers and crawl into a vortex that turns him black.
Who is your favorite parent?
We don’t play favorites.
Who is your favorite brother?
Is it okay if I say George-slash-Sam? Because they’re basically one egg that split into two. Even though Sam would probably say that George is his favorite brother.
How did you feel when you found out that I set up my own author’s webpage?
I was horrified. And I felt, at that moment, that I needed my own webpage.
Why do you need a webpage?
Because with all of my drawings and all of the books I’ve written, it doesn’t make sense that my mother should get a webpage before me.
Do you see yourself as more talented than me? Be honest.
Well, let’s think about this. I don’t ever recall you drawing anything. Or ever making up a cool photo animation on the computer. So it doesn’t make sense that you should be more famous than me.
Don’t worry, I will never be more famous than you, Ben. Is there anything else you want to say to your millions of adoring fans?
‘Sup, everybody. If you’re asking, I’ve got a Christmas list already written out.